(no subject)

[nottheboss]

It's late at night. The corridors aren't quiet; they're full of men and women restlessly trying to sleep in their quarters. Bossie should be one of them. But instead he slips barefoot down the hallway to Carver's room, where he knocks.

"Hey, man, you up?"

Comments

[minuteofangle]

"Mhmm. A whole lot. But right now..."

Gabe shifts closer, holding Bossie to him.

"I like being worked over. I like it when men think they can control me and then they break against me."

[nottheboss]

"Yeah," Bossie whispers, grinning, feeling that in his bones. "I like winning. I think that's what it'll feel like. Letting go and...winning."

He strokes Gabe's sides. "I can't imagine it being like that with you and Mancea though. That ever get weird?"

[minuteofangle]

"Winning," Gabe echoes softly. Because that's the word, isn't it? That's what he strives for, what he wants almost as much as clarity and his own soul. "Mhmm. Sometimes he works me over. Sometimes I push and I push because I want him to go harder, to really fuck me up."

He puffs out a breath.

"And then he doesn't. He takes care of me, but he doesn't fuck me up. Even when I'm turned around, I've got that certainty."

[nottheboss]

"How does that feel?" In the moment and after, he means. It must be frustrating in the moment. But he thinks he'd like having that kind of trust.

[minuteofangle]

"Safe," Gabe replies, very softly. "For the first time in my life."

[nottheboss]

Safe.

"Goddamn," he whispers, trying hard to imagine what that feels like. He comes up short. "No wonder you guys stood up to Pope about being together."

[minuteofangle]

"He's my man," Gabe replies softly. He never thought he'd have one of those. Never thought he'd want it, or be able to stand it. Before, he never liked falling asleep next to men after sex.

Now, Mancea holds him. Rubs his head. They have a life. One day, they'll go dancing together.

"I won't give that up."

[nottheboss]

It's like getting a glimpse of a world he thought was impossible for people like him.

"That's what I want," he says softly. "To find a man and just...not let go for once."

[minuteofangle]

Gabe nods slowly. He doesn't say that'll be difficult in this line of work; Bossie knows that. All of them do.

"We'll go out, you and I," he promises gently. "It'll be okay, kid."

[nottheboss]

He hums drowsily, sprawled there across Gabe, as trusting as a puppy. "Thanks, Gabe. I promise I won't be a pain in the ass..."

In another moment he's out, sleeping for the first time in two days. It's a quiet sleep for the first hour; in the second he starts to twitch and whimper.

[minuteofangle]

For a while, things stay quiet. Gabe can hear the others up and about, going about their assigned duties. Gabe settles back against the headboard, cycling his tech idly as he rests. He strokes Bossie’s hair and listens to his breathing, making a list in his mind of all the shit that has to be handled today.

It’s a long one. It always is.

He’s ready for it when Bossie starts to flinch, though. Braced for it. He hums softly and runs his fingers through Bossie’s hair. “Easy, kid,” he murmurs. Ready to grab the kitten and dodge away if Bossie swings for him. “It’s me, you’re okay. You’re okay.”

[nottheboss]

It stills him for a moment. He seems to sink back into a deeper sleep.

But then he dreams of the child he shot and he jerks awake, grasping instinctively for a gun, shouting a word that doesn't quite form.

[minuteofangle]

“Easy,” Gabe repeats, calm and controlled. He doesn’t flinch away, not even when the kitten wakes abs squeaks in alarm. You have to be calm for this shit. “Easy, kid. You with me?”

[nottheboss]

All the rooms in the hotel are the same. That was intentional on Mancea's part; it decreases disorientation when everyone shuffles rooms to guard each other. So he wakes and doesn't have to do anything but realize he's not still in Afghanistan, and that the child isn't there.

But Gabe is.

He clings to Gabe, shaking, drawing in frantic breaths to try to steady himself. Nodding. "I'm good, I'm good-"

[minuteofangle]

“I got you, it’s okay.”

He rubs Bossie’s head, pressing close. Steadying his own breathing the way Shaw taught them all so the kids have something to mirror.

“Hold the kitten,” he orders gently. “She’s gotta stay warm, she’s little still.”

[nottheboss]

The kitten. The kitten, yeah, he can hear her.

He cradles her, realizes he's crying, strokes her with his thumbs. "It's okay, baby, I got you..." He'll keep her warm. He'll let her chew his fingers, let her get all her teeth in.

"You good?" He asks Gabe shakily. Why wouldn't Gabe be? But he can't stop thinking that there's worse coming.

[minuteofangle]

Cosita squeaks again, nosing against Bossie’s chin. Batting at him with her paws. They’re babies but they understand emotion, Gabe’s found. They understand when someone’s afraid and stressed even if they don’t know why.

Gabe breathes out slow and keeps rubbing Bossie’s head. He’s never known what to do when someone cries around him. “I’m good,” he murmurs. “You want me to get Carver?”

Of all of them, Carver’s always the best at calming Bossie down.

[nottheboss]

"No," he murmurs, taking a breath, and the tears stop. He even laughs softly when the kitten's tiny claws rasp against his chin. "No I'll be okay in a second. It was just a dream."

Not even one with a demon in it. Buck up, he tells himself. Stop being weak.

"You ever have that one dream that just never changes?" That's this one. Only it never gets easier to process.

[minuteofangle]

"Okay. Just breathe for me. Hold the baby."

She's squeaking still, but she doesn't sound so upset. It's taking him time, but Gabe thinks he's figuring out her moods. The ways that she softens to people. She's not fearless, this little kitten, but she's a fighter; she doesn't bolt and hide like some of the other kittens.

Gabe hums and keeps rubbing Bossie's head. Trying to soothe him.

"I do," he admits after a moment. "I got a couple like that in circulation. Always make me feel sick when I wake up."

[nottheboss]

"What do you do about them, you know? Just have to...feel 'em and wake up." A nod, but a small one; he likes Gabe's hand in his hair, doesn't want to dislodge it.

"What time is it?" It can't be much later than when he fell asleep. He still feels full from breakfast.

[minuteofangle]

"Honestly, I get myself busy. Put it out of my mind, focus on something else."

Gabe sighs. He rubs Bossie's head and listens to Cosita doing her kitten routine. Nosing at Bossie, starting to cry for her breakfast. It must be nice being a kitten, he thinks. Sure, everything's fucking huge compared to you, but your needs are simple. Warmth, food, a soft place to sleep, someone to help you stay clean. Easy, compared to the rest of the world.

"Don't worry about it, kid. Just breathe."

They've missed morning PT. Pope's gonna be pissed about that, but Gabe will talk him out of a rant. He has before.

[nottheboss]

It's hard not to worry, knowing he had a place to be and Pope will notice he wasn't there. Weren't they just talking about how he needed to learn to stand up straighter when Pope yelled? Well he's going to yell now...

He shudders and kisses the top of the kitten's head. "I think she's hungry," he murmurs, he can feel her trying to nurse on his chin.

[minuteofangle]

"Probably. You wanna get her bottle going?"

It's about that time. And Gabe knows he's gonna have to go check in on Austin soon. Run interference for Pope before the boss has a screaming fit about Bossie not being at PT. Not to mention checking in on Carver and Riley, make sure nobody's gotten murdered.

There's a long list. Then again, there always is.

[nottheboss]

"Yeah," he says, grateful for the task. He gets up, cooing to the kitten as he sets about warming her bottle.

Mancea walks in, pauses. "Everything all right?"

[minuteofangle]

Gabe pushes himself up slowly, stretching before he goes over to Mancea, reaching out to press their foreheads together. "Long night," he murmurs in explanation. "Carver had a bad one. Bossie hasn't slept."