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[nottheboss]

It's late at night. The corridors aren't quiet; they're full of men and women restlessly trying to sleep in their quarters. Bossie should be one of them. But instead he slips barefoot down the hallway to Carver's room, where he knocks.

"Hey, man, you up?"

Comments

[fortitudosalutis]

"I don't know," Carver admits softly. "Sometimes I think so. And then I have a bad dream and then..."

He and Pope collided just once. Only once. It felt good, like coming home, but it didn't stop the nightmares.

[nottheboss]

"I think, sometimes, the demons are just going to take us down one at a time. They got Mancea and Gabe...Austin, you." He frowns. "How do we fight them?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Quietly, secretly, Carver's afraid of that too. That the demons are going to work their way down the roster one body at a time. They're always sleeping in shifts now, doing their best to protect each other with sigils and planning, but he worries it isn't enough. They haven't found a way to win.

"I don't know," he admits quietly. "We're working on it. I promise, Bossie."

He's quiet for a long moment.

"You...haven't had any bad dreams?"

[nottheboss]

"Just the ones about Afghanistan." Which are bad. They always have been. "Nothing about the demons yet. But I stayed over with Austin. It's...bad." And he's seen now how it got to Carver, too.

[fortitudosalutis]

There are nightmares, and then there are nightmares. Carver breathes out slow, reaching up to run his fingers through Bossie's hair again.

"Austin any better?" he tries. "Even a little?"

[nottheboss]

He wishes he could say yes but he shakes his head slightly. "They really messed him up. Guess that's what demons do."

[fortitudosalutis]

"Oh," Carver replies, very softly. And it aches in him, all the ways he knows these things now. "Does anything help?"

[nottheboss]

"I think having his kid to wake up to helps. He's always better when he's around her. Does anything help you...?" The kitten, he thinks. The kitten seems to help.

[fortitudosalutis]

"Kali," he murmurs, smoothing his fingers over her back. "Austin gave me weed one time and that was pretty nice. But I can't take that anymore."

Not without going comatose for the rest of the day.

"Not much helps," he admits softly. "I try to stay busy. Only sleep when I'm exhausted."

[nottheboss]

"If Pope ever gives us days off again we'll get some weed, just smoke the whole day away," he murmurs. He'd do anything to get Carver to sleep the night through.

"Who's been watching your six at night?"

[fortitudosalutis]

"That'd be nice," Carver murmurs wistfully. "I could make all kinds of food..."

Good, hearty food. They could curl up with soft blankets and their kittens, listen to music. It could be nice.

"Mhmm. I rotate. Leah, mostly. Sometimes Pope, or Wash."

[nottheboss]

"I can watch, too." He wants to help. Anything, anything at all, to help.

He bumps his shoulder against Carver's. "Hey, you should teach me how to make those enchiladas you made."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver nuzzles against him, sighing. "You wanna learn?" he asks curiously. "They're not hard. Just gotta mix things together, learn the timing."

He thinks Bossie could be good at it.

[nottheboss]

"I tried making them on my own. Got a recipe online, thought it looked like yours." He chuckles. "Nah, no, no way, it was awful. Can't get it to taste like yours."

He reaches up, stroking Carver's hair.

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh, Carver thinks, and he presses wordlessly into the touch. He always liked it when Riley played with his hair. It felt like coming home as it came back from the regulation cut, centimeter by centimeter.

It feels nice now, with Bossie. Even in a moment like this, when they're both exhausted and hurting.

"I'd like that," he admits. "Teaching you. I'll make you hot chocolate, too. Whatever you want."

[nottheboss]

"Yeah?" He brightens at just the thought of it. Kisses Carver's temple, keeps playing with his hair. "We'll do it tomorrow then. I'll go to the store, get all the stuff for it."

He likes Carver's hair, he decides. It's thick and it's soft, and he likes the smell of his shampoo.

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver just sighs again and keeps his eyes closed. Sometimes he rubs Bossie's head when Bossie's coming back from a nightmare or a bad moment. Sometimes they even talk about those moments, but a lot of times they just focus on the aftermath. Breathing, mostly. Coming back to the body, relearning some precious sense of control.

They have that in common now, don't they? Someone's tried to hurt them in ways that had nothing to do with death.

"I'd like that a lot," Carver murmurs. "I'll be better tomorrow, kid, I promise."

[nottheboss]

"You're good, Carve." He rubs his thumb against Carver's scalp. "You don't have to pretend with me. I get it."

More than maybe anyone, he gets it. Bossie was the first to get the monstrous nightmares; the first to sometimes drift away in his head and come back screaming.

[fortitudosalutis]

Kali grumbles again, nosing at Carver's chest. He cradles her, tucking her safely under his chin so she can smell him better. Listen to his pulse. Sometimes, like now, she tries to nurse against his chin. It feels more reflexive than hungry, like a kid sucking their thumb. And through it, Bossie keeps rubbing his head. Gentle, and steady.

"I'm so tired, Bossie," he murmurs. "I can't stand it sometimes."

[nottheboss]

"I know." He can all but feel it. "I'm scared for you, Carve."

What happens if you don't sleep? You hallucinate. You fall apart.

[fortitudosalutis]

He shivers a little, rocking Kali. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't be carrying that."

It's Carver's responsibility. But he can't sleep. He has such horrible goddamn dreams.

"I don't know what else to try."

[nottheboss]

"I can watch while you nap a little more," he offers, because he's helpless to offer anything else. Anything better. There are no answers, are there? Not for this.

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver just rocks Kali. "Sure," he murmurs. You have to say something. "That helps."

It does. Just maybe not enough. But he can't worry the kids.

[nottheboss]

"The cats make it look so easy don't they? They sleep like...eighteen hours a day," Bossie says softly, watching Kali. Thinking of Louis.

[fortitudosalutis]

"They do," Carver agrees softly. He rocks Kali, listening to her purr. "I like to keep her with me. Put her in my pocket or carry her basket around. I know the others like to be with the other babies, but I just...I like having her around."

It helps. Not much else does.