(no subject)

[nottheboss]

It's late at night. The corridors aren't quiet; they're full of men and women restlessly trying to sleep in their quarters. Bossie should be one of them. But instead he slips barefoot down the hallway to Carver's room, where he knocks.

"Hey, man, you up?"

Comments

[nottheboss]

"Sorry," Bossie mumbles. "I shouldn't have done that. But it wasn't because I feel bad for you. I've wanted to do it for...a long time." He's red, but luckily he thinks, Carver can't see that, with how close they are now.

"Don't tell Pope?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh, Carver thinks. He strokes Bossie’s hair and wonders what he’s supposed to do. What a good squad leader would do. And then he thinks about how nice it feels to have Bossie pressed close, next to the kitten.

“Won’t tell Pope,” he murmurs. Then he shifts and kisses Bossie back, very gently.

[nottheboss]

Oh. Oh, fuck, this is more than he's ever hoped for. The best he's thought, really, was that he kissed Carver and Carver didn't punch him for it.

But here Carver is, kissing him, and after a frantic pause he's kissing him back. Reaching up, stroking his hair gently. "I won't tell either," he promises, and kisses him again, because fortune favors the bold, doesn't it? Even if the 'bold' in this case are red in the face and red in the ears and so, so afraid of being pushed away.

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver sighs and noses against Bossie, eyes sliding closed. It just feels nice and after so many bad dreams that slides through his mind like a gentle tide. He shouldn’t be doing this with one of his own soldiers but—

Who else would? Carver tried to kiss Riley once, just once, and Riley just shook his head.

Carver swallows hard. “I’m all messed up right now,” he murmurs yea they break. “Dunno if I can.”

[nottheboss]

"It's okay," he says in that soft way he has. "It's enough you didn't hit me for this."

He just lays his forehead on Carver's. "Feel how safe you make that kitten feel? That matters. That's how you made me feel when I got here. Even when you hit me in the face."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver swallows hard, cupping his hand to the back of Bossie’s head. Rubbing at his hair. I made you feel safe, he thinks. Like Shaw did for me.

“I don’t like hitting you,” he murmurs. “You feel nice, Bossie. Kali’s sleeping now.”

Content. Not wailing in fear or pain.

[nottheboss]

"All through Basic I was scared. I hated being yelled at," he murmurs, confessing all these filthy sins. Pope would hate him for them. "But I pushed on. And then I met you. And you trained me up. Made me strong."

He strokes Carver's hair. "Like you're making Kali strong. Feel that? She's gonna be a monster."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver just closes his eyes, nuzzling against Bossie. Breathing in time with him. “I got punched my first day in Basic,” he murmurs. “Straight out. A drill instructor decked me. Almost quit right there.”

It was against the rules, he knows now. A sin against his fellow students. He didn’t know then. He never said a word.

“She’s so small…” he swallows hard. “But she’s ours. I feel how hungry she is. She’s gonna be a fighter. I knew you could be.”

[nottheboss]

Things were different when Carver was new, he knows. But not so different that that should have been allowed. He winces softly, imagining Carver quitting. Imagining a world where he never knew Brandon Carver. He wouldn't have made it.

"You believed in me when no one else did," he murmurs. "I know that. I knew it even then. I held on because I wanted to make you proud."

[fortitudosalutis]

“I’m glad you did,” he murmurs, nuzzling against Bossie again. “It’s proof I did one thing right.”

Something good among all the evil.

[nottheboss]

"Sir," he breathes, holding Carver's jaw in his hand. "Sir you made me so strong. I survived everything because of you. Just you. You got me through."

He would have broken under anyone else's gaze.

[fortitudosalutis]

Even now, there’s a part of Carver that’s tempted to deny it. Dismiss it. Pope ought to be the one who claims the credit for all of them, right? The commander made them strong.

But God, there’s a part of Carver that needs to hear it. That needs so badly to believe he did something right and pure.

He swallows hard, petting at Bossie’s hair. “Yeah?” he murmurs so, so quietly. “I did that?”

[nottheboss]

"Yessir," he says, terrified but honest. "You did that. You made me think I could keep going when I wanted to give up. You made me think I could be the best when everyone else thought I would quit."

And here Bossie is, a sniper. A specialist. A master of his craft.

"Every hit I make is for you, sir."

[fortitudosalutis]

This is a sin, he thinks. Pope wouldn't like it. Would have shunned them both if he knew, maybe even tested them o ensure their loyalty held true. But there's an honesty here that Carver can tell Bossie's held inside himself for a very long time and that -

That's real, too, isn't it?

Carver breathes out slow and then leans in to kiss Bossie on the cheek. Gentle, like before. "You're one of mine," he murmurs. "Never forget it."

[nottheboss]

He nuzzles against Carver, breathing in, breathing out. "Always," he agrees. "Fortitudo Salutis."

He's bared a bit of his soul and he feels raw from it, but Carver hasn't pushed him away. "You're a good teacher."

[fortitudosalutis]

"Always," Carver agrees softly. Maybe he's too tired to think deeper about this, do what he ought to do, but he just sighs again and nuzzles against Bossie. Breathing with him, content with the pressure of this man and the kitten pressed against him. "Stay for a little?"

Just a little.

[nottheboss]

He smiles, stroking Carver's hair. "I'll stay till you kick me out," he promises.

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver huffs at him and then, playfully, bops Bossie on the nose. He didn't mind kissing Bossie, he realizes; he doesn't know what that means. It felt nice. It didn't hurt.

Maybe that's enough, for the moment.

"I'm sorry I'm all messed up right now," he murmurs. "'m glad you're here."

[nottheboss]

He grins, nose wrinkling a little at the touch

He shakes his head, no, he doesn't have to apologize. "I've got you," he promises, thinking maybe he didn't ruin anything after all. Carver wants him here.

[fortitudosalutis]

Kali grumbles, yawning and curling into herself. Carver cups his hand to her, feeling the rise and fall of her little rib cage. She’s so small, so fragile in many ways. But strong, he thinks. One day, she’ll be a fighter like Bossie.

Carver closes his eyes. “Maybe…one day, when I’m steadier, we can do a little more than kissing.”

[nottheboss]

He strokes Kali's little back, earning a little meow for the effort. "Yeah? You'd...you'd want to?"

[fortitudosalutis]

"I don't know," Carver admits softly. "Sometimes I think so. And then I have a bad dream and then..."

He and Pope collided just once. Only once. It felt good, like coming home, but it didn't stop the nightmares.

[nottheboss]

"I think, sometimes, the demons are just going to take us down one at a time. They got Mancea and Gabe...Austin, you." He frowns. "How do we fight them?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Quietly, secretly, Carver's afraid of that too. That the demons are going to work their way down the roster one body at a time. They're always sleeping in shifts now, doing their best to protect each other with sigils and planning, but he worries it isn't enough. They haven't found a way to win.

"I don't know," he admits quietly. "We're working on it. I promise, Bossie."

He's quiet for a long moment.

"You...haven't had any bad dreams?"

[nottheboss]

"Just the ones about Afghanistan." Which are bad. They always have been. "Nothing about the demons yet. But I stayed over with Austin. It's...bad." And he's seen now how it got to Carver, too.