(no subject)

[nottheboss]

It's late at night. The corridors aren't quiet; they're full of men and women restlessly trying to sleep in their quarters. Bossie should be one of them. But instead he slips barefoot down the hallway to Carver's room, where he knocks.

"Hey, man, you up?"

Comments

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver presses his forehead to Bossie's, closing his eyes tight. Exhaustion drags at his soul. He's so, so tired.

"Okay," he whispers. "Take Kali?"

He can't risk having her too close. Not with the nightmares this bad. He couldn't bear hurting her by accident.

[nottheboss]

He takes the little kitten, holds her very carefully in one hand up against his chest.

He squeezes the back of Carver's neck. "Lie down. I'll wake you up, I promise." A little sip of sleep has to be better than this.

[fortitudosalutis]

Pressure helps, Carver thinks absently. Hasn't he learned that from Leah? Touch is fraught, difficult, it can cause a startle reaction.

But it helps, too. In certain circumstances.

He bumps his head against Bossie's and lies back down. Wrapping his arms around himself. He'll try to sleep. At least for a little.

[nottheboss]

"You care if I stay right here?" He'll be better able to wake Carver peacefully before the dreams start if he's nearby. But also, he thinks, maybe it might comfort Carver to feel someone he trusts nearby. It helps Bossie stay asleep even if he struggles with getting there.

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh.

He hesitates for a long moment. Then:

"I'm not allowed to have knives nearby. I might hit you, though."

[nottheboss]

"'S okay. You've hit me before." A little smile. He's hit Carver, too, waking up rough. "I'll be careful."

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah. They all have that in common, now. Waking up rough. Better than not waking up at all, though. And those are the stakes, Carver knows. There are worse things - always.

At least they have each other.

He swallows hard, then nods and pulls his arm over his face. "Thanks, kid."

[nottheboss]

He holds Kali to his chest and gets her to sleep, too, stroking her little back. He watches Carver all the while, with all the patience he has as a sniper, making sure Carver's dreams don't encroach.

Twenty minutes passes fast but then he reaches out, touches Carver. "Hey, man, it's time. Wake up."

[fortitudosalutis]

Maybe it’s a kindness that he only drifts, doesn’t let himself fall completely to sleep. Maybe he’s too tense for it.

Either way, Carver stirs, bleary, dropping his arm. “Kali okay?” he murmurs.

[nottheboss]

"She's sleeping like an angel," he grins, tilting slightly so Carver can see her curled up under the protection of Bossie's hand.

"Maybe we just gotta be like her and the other babies. Take little cat naps." Never dream again.

[fortitudosalutis]

Hello, little one. Carver's expression softens ever so slightly and he sits up, rubbing a hand through his hair. "They got the right idea," he murmurs. "Sometimes she gets bad dreams, I think, but I can usually settle her down if I hold her."

Maybe it's his scent that calms her down, or the heat of his hands. Something.

[nottheboss]

He's seen Carver wake up a hundred times by now, but this time it's quick, and without thrashing. This time he just looks rumpled, and Bossie likes the look on him. He looks away, focuses on the kitten, to avoid smiling too softly at Carver.

"What's her bad dream, d'you think? I mean, the worst thing our little guys could even picture right now is...is not getting fed on time." And he aims to keep that as the worst thing that ever happened to them. A late feeding--not real hunger, not real loss.

[fortitudosalutis]

“I dunno,” Carver admits. “Maybe being chased by dogs, or giant mice.”

They’ve let the war dogs in to smell the kittens, always under supervision, but Kali’s too little to play. Maybe on a few week.

“She’s got a set of pipes on her,” he admits. “I like it. That weird? Means she’s getting stronger.”

[nottheboss]

"Hey who wouldn't love a kitten telling you what's what?" He gently lifts her and lays her on Carver's chest.

"It's been real nice seeing them get bigger. Knowing we did that, you know? We saved them."

[fortitudosalutis]

Like before, like so many times before, Carver feels himself softening. He cups his hands protectively over Kali, listening to her squeak and settle. Even his own exhaustion seems to fade as he holds her, stroking her back with great care.

"Yeah," Carver agrees, closing his eyes for a moment. "We didn't fuck that up."

For once, they did something good.

[nottheboss]

This they did right.

They do murder right, too, Bossie thinks, and flinches, and forces that thought down.

They have kittens who would have been put down otherwise in their hands. Loving, safe kittens.

"You're a pretty cute cat dad, Brandon," he teases, but he means it, too.

[fortitudosalutis]

He misses the flinch, eyes still closed, drifting somewhere between content and heartsick in his exhaustion. But Carver murmurs to Kali, listening to her grumble, and gives Bossie a small smile. "Yeah? I make it work?"

[nottheboss]

Oh. Carver cares, even in the tiniest way, what Bossie's opinion is.

"Hell yeah you do, man. You look so good right now. With this little cat under your chin. I like seeing you like this. Makes me think I wasn't crazy for all the times I thought you were on my side."

But Carver wouldn't let anything hurt Kali, he knows. And as a recruit, even in all the sparring and fighting, he'd known Carver would protect him from real harm.

[fortitudosalutis]

He tilts his head toward Bossie, still fuzzy from exhaustion. But calmer now, maybe.

"I am on your side," Carver murmurs, watching him. Somber, this time. "You believe me, little brother?"

[nottheboss]

"Yeah?" Bossie looks at him, hoping. Hoping desperately. "Even when I fuck up, sir?"

Because he's fucked up. He's not as strong as the others. He never has been.

[fortitudosalutis]

"Even when you fuck up," Carver agrees softly. He reaches out with his free hand, motioning Bossie closer. He's too tired to think better of it, to draw those lines that he's supposed to. Sometimes, all a body can do is reach out for comfort. "You're my little brother. Always."

[nottheboss]

He draws closer. Lays his head on Carver's chest, close to the kitten there. "Nah man, we're closer than brothers. Better than family. I never needed my family. I'll never need blood again. Not while I've got you."

[fortitudosalutis]

This feels better. Carver sighs and settles, one hand cupping the back of Bossie's head. Running his fingers gently through Bossie's hair as he holds him and Kali both, eyes sliding closed. It's not the first time he's held Bossie like this, stroked his hair. Tried to calm him after a nightmare. They take care of each other, don't they? This is the compact they made, a promise of bone and blood and all the awful things that lie between them even more intimate than war.

This is family. This is what they've made of themselves.

"You're my favorite," Carver murmurs. "Don't tell."

[nottheboss]

Wait.

No.

What?

"i'm your favorite?" he's grinning so hard it hurts. "I'm your favorite, sir?"

[fortitudosalutis]

That gets a faint huff. Kali grumbles and Carver just sighs, stroking her gently with two fingers. He flicks Bossie's ear.

"Yeah," he murmurs. "Like I said, don't tell. I'm not supposed to have favorites."