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[nottheboss]

It's late at night. The corridors aren't quiet; they're full of men and women restlessly trying to sleep in their quarters. Bossie should be one of them. But instead he slips barefoot down the hallway to Carver's room, where he knocks.

"Hey, man, you up?"

Comments

[nottheboss]

"Good," he breathes. "You had me scared for a second there."

What would life be like without Carver? There would be a hollow space he'd never be able to fill.

"How's your hand feel?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver closes his eyes and bumps his head against Bossie's. A quiet sort of affection. More hesitant than usual. But everything feels so goddamn fraught now. He finds himself pausing before touching people, stepping out of range before they can touch him. Especially in sparring -

Don't, he thinks. Just don't go there.

"Stings," he admits. "It'll pass."

He's bitten himself enough to know by now.

[nottheboss]

Bossie has noticed. Earlier was the first time Carver has flinched away from him specifically, but he's noticed a tension in Carver that never seems to get better.

"What was your dream?" he asks softly. Put words to it, rob it of its power.

[fortitudosalutis]

"You don't wanna know that," he replies softly. It's not Bossie's responsibility to carry that. But Carver keeps leaning against him, matching his breathing to Bossie's. He strokes Kali and feels her settle, moment by moment. "It's okay."

[nottheboss]

He shakes his head; it's not okay. "I don't want you to hold it all inside." he bumps his head ever so slightly against Carver's. "You can trust me."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver shivers. It takes effort to keep his breathing steady, to remember the lessons that Shaw gave him and that he passed onto his students to emulate. This will keep you alive, she told him once. This will keep you going. He wonders if she knew how much that would matter then. How much they'd all need it.

Some things you can't fight against. You only survive them. That, he thinks, was the greatest lesson of the drowning tests.

"I feel him on top of me," Carver says finally, voice distant. "Holding me down. I can't move."

[nottheboss]

He's suspected that something happened to Carver recently. But no one knows what it was, and speculation is ruthlessly cut short; you don't gossip about Brandon Carver. Not after everything he's done for everyone.

"Who?" he asks softly.

[fortitudosalutis]

"Doesn't matter."

It really, truly doesn't. Sometimes not even in his dreams. It could be the devil or Mazur's taunting, iron-like hands. In the very worst ones, it's Pope. Carver's never told a soul about those. He swore he never would. Instead, he tucks them away into a little box in his mind and locks it down tight. If he forgets it, if he pushes the details aside, then one day they'll just fade.

He shivers again, holding Kali close.

"Nobody who matters."

[nottheboss]

He makes a small sound, helpless to do anything to make it better, desperate to try anyway. He strokes Kali's back and realizes she's purring.

"You have that dream every time you sleep now?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver nuzzles against Bossie, cupping a hand to the back of his neck. Trying to soothe him instinctively. That's his job, isn't it? Keeping the kids steady, like Shaw did for him.

"Yeah," Carver admits quietly. "Or one like it."

It's all the time now.

[nottheboss]

"A doctor told me there's a sleep pill that makes it so you don't dream. But you couldn't take it on nights you had to work the next day, it makes you sleep like sixteen hours..." So Bossie turned it down. But Bossie doesn't dream every night about the things that make him wake up screaming.

[fortitudosalutis]

Yeah. It'd be different if they weren't on high alert, maybe. If they weren't training every day.

Carver sighs, breathing out slow. He feels calmer now, at least. Marginally.

"Riley told me about melatonin. But he said it can make the bad dreams worse sometimes, and you can't take it all the time or it fucks you up. Haven't tried it yet."

[nottheboss]

"I tried melatonin." It didn't go well, he doesn't say. Maybe it will be better for Carver. "Tried benadryl and that helped a little, until it didn't. Austin gave me some muscle relaxers that were real nice but they made me dead on my feet the next day."

[fortitudosalutis]

"Tried some weed," Carver admits. "That was nice. But I was pretty much comatose for the rest of the day. Mancea wasn't happy about it."

Be nice if there was a pill he could take to kill the dreams, wouldn't it?

[nottheboss]

"Fucking sucks that every option means we're just like the living dead after we take it," he sighs. There are no easy solutions. There aren't even really palatable ones.

"But if you want to do weed or something on your day off I could stand guard while you sleep."

[fortitudosalutis]

Oh, Carver thinks, momentarily thrown by that. He's quiet for a long moment, just listening to Kali's purring and Bossie's breathing. They're tangled up in each other now, pressed close. All three of them.

"...maybe," he says after a while. "If I've got a day off."

He won't for a while.

[nottheboss]

Yeah that's the rub, isn't it? They don't really get days off anymore. The Devil doesn't rest, so they can't afford to either.

"I'm worried about you," he confesses quietly.

[fortitudosalutis]

"'s not your job," Carver replies gently. He bumps his head against Bossie's. "And I love you, kid. You know I've got your back, right?"

It hurts to know he's been so affected that his students have noticed.

[nottheboss]

"I know you do." He bumps Carver back, rests his forehead there against Carver's temple. "You're my family. I want to help. You don't have to shut me out just 'cause you outrank me."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver just closes his eyes, listening to Kali purr. Sometimes, he doesn't think he'd make it without the little kitten. She needs to be fed every few hours. She wouldn't understand if he let her go hungry.

"I can't sleep, Bossie," he confesses. "I'm so tired."

[nottheboss]

"I know." He hurts for him. He's so, so scared for him. Carver can't go on like this. "You think you could try again? Get just twenty minutes--I'll wake you up before the dream starts?"

[fortitudosalutis]

No, Carver starts to say. But that's weak, isn't it? He has time to sleep. It's not like they're on a job and can't risk slowing down. There's time here. And he's scared.

He shouldn't be. It's a weakness. A sin.

He shivers. "Maybe."

[nottheboss]

"You got this," Bossie says, reaching up, stroking Carver's hair gently. "I'll wake you up before it gets bad. You just gotta get a little sleep in. Just a little."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver presses his forehead to Bossie's, closing his eyes tight. Exhaustion drags at his soul. He's so, so tired.

"Okay," he whispers. "Take Kali?"

He can't risk having her too close. Not with the nightmares this bad. He couldn't bear hurting her by accident.

[nottheboss]

He takes the little kitten, holds her very carefully in one hand up against his chest.

He squeezes the back of Carver's neck. "Lie down. I'll wake you up, I promise." A little sip of sleep has to be better than this.