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[nottheboss]

It's late at night. The corridors aren't quiet; they're full of men and women restlessly trying to sleep in their quarters. Bossie should be one of them. But instead he slips barefoot down the hallway to Carver's room, where he knocks.

"Hey, man, you up?"

Comments

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver rocks, curling into himself, but ultimately offers his hand out. He can’t make himself look at Bossie. It’s not the first time he’s bitten himself. The gloves he wears hide it, though.

Pope would be ashamed. Pope taught him better.

“How big’s yours now?” Carver murmurs.

[nottheboss]

"He just started all solid food," Bossie says, not making a big thing about bandaging his brother's hand. Making like he does this every day, like no one would even look twice at them for this. "He likes fish but he hates chicken. Already got big opinions. And he's noisy, too. He's got a funny little meow, you should hear him."

He cleans the wound, dries it. Wraps it. "He's going to need shots soon. Man. Baby's first doctor visit. But cats don't get scared like human babies do, do they?"

[fortitudosalutis]

"Picky little man," Carver murmurs, stroking Kali's back. It stings a little as Bossie tends to his hand, but he doesn't flinch. If they don't acknowledge it, then maybe it didn't really happen.

A lot of wounds are like that now.

"I don't know," Carver admits. "Kali didn't like it when we were singing cadence for PT, but she got used to it eventually. Maybe they get scared of cat things."

[nottheboss]

"Aw yeah but who can blame her? Austin's always off key," he teases. He finishes wrapping Carver's hand and then he packs up the kit, and watches Carver and the kitten fondly. "Will you come with me to the vet when it's time?"

[fortitudosalutis]

"Yeah."

Carver lifts Kali up again, holding her to his chest the way she likes. She doesn't seem hungry this time, pressing her paws against him and kneading, but she isn't crying anymore either. Sometimes, Carver's noticed that she gets upset when he's worked up, when he can't calm down. Maybe she can smell it on him. Something chemical.

Something in the air, maybe.

He rocks her, risking a look at Bossie. Wondering how badly he's fucked up the natural order by making one of his soldiers look after him. "I will," Carver adds softly. "Should probably take Cali in, too. Make sure everything's good with her. I keep thinking she'll get more fur, and she's not so naked now, but..."

He huffs.

"She's still pretty naked."

[nottheboss]

The worst seems to have passed. Carver's not panicking now, but there's an uneasiness to him that worries Bossie.

"We could put her in a little sweater. Austin's kid has got some little doll clothes that might fit. And she'd probably love to see a kitten all dressed up."

[fortitudosalutis]

"Yeah?" Carver lifts Kali up again, examining her. She blinks her one eye at him and he huffs, kissing her soft head. He'll never get tired of the warm milk-smell of her, or the softness of her fur. Something finer even than silk. "Wanna play dress up, huh?"

She squeaks.

"How're they doing?" Carver asks, more seriously. It's stalling, he knows, because he doesn't want to talk about his hand or the nightmare that prompted it, but this is important, too. So far they've managed to avoid any major blowouts, but they've had guests for longer than any of them anticipated. There are - growing pains.

[nottheboss]

"The kid's doing okay. She's always got someone to read to her or play with her now. The mom though..." He sighs. "She's seeing someone back home. She hasn't told Austin about him. She wants to go back to him. Austin's going to flip when he finds out..."

And there's nothing Bossie can do about it, but maybe Carver can. Austin listens to Carver, and to Gabe.

[fortitudosalutis]

Well, fuck. Carver puffs out a breath, considering that. He and Leah were able to wrangle the others and give them some talks about what counts as proper babysitting protocol - no weapons where Austin's kid can get her curious little fingers on them, for instance - but babysitting's one thing. Neither of them are Reapers. Riley at least served.

And now Austin's got hope again.

"I'll talk to him. Make sure he doesn't push too hard." Get Gabe to help so the lesson sticks. Carver rocks Kali, thinking. "They've been okay with staying so far? I figure we're gonna have to explain about the demons soon."

[nottheboss]

"So far. I mean, she thinks it's temporary. It's gotta be temporary somehow, we can't keep them here forever, can we?" Despite Austin's wishes, they can't. The kid needs school, the mom has a life, has family out there. They're not Reapers.

"But she asks me sometimes when we're out running about what kind of danger she's in and I can't tell her anything and it's getting hard for her to accept."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver nods unhappily. "Riley's pushing, too."

And Riley understands how they operate, at least pieces of it. The discipline, the drills. He knows it's built to shield against an enemy, even if he doesn't understand the scope just yet.

"It's temporary," he adds, more seriously. "It is. We just have to figure out a better defense."

[nottheboss]

He looks over at Carver, his eyes soft with worry. "How is it, having Riley here?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Ah.

Carver breathes out, looking away. He rocks Kali and strokes her back, listening to her little kitten purrs. But her lungs are strong, even if she's little, and he can feel her noise rumbling through his core.

"Hard," he admits quietly. "I miss him a lot, Bossie. Especially when he's right there."

[nottheboss]

"I don't think I could do it," he admits. He's never had anyone he loved enough to move in with them, but he's dreamed that maybe someday. It seems increasingly unlikely every day he's a Reaper, but that's life, that's the choice he's made. That's who he is now.

But if he'd had that at one point and lost it? Yeah he doesn't know how Carver can stand it.

"He'd really never want to join up with us, huh?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver lifts his head, watching Bossie for a long moment. Even with the shadow of the nightmare hanging over him, he wonders at all that lies instead. After a moment, he takes a risk and lays his hand very gingerly on Bossie's arm.

"No," Carver replies quietly. "He said we'd figure something else out, we didn't have to go back to war."

[nottheboss]

Carefully he leans against Carver. "Maybe the war's done for him, but for me... This is life."

This is all there ever will be. Even if he could leave the violence, he couldn't leave his family.

"I wouldn't have a life if I didn't have you guys." You can't walk away from that. "You're. You're not going to go with him, are you?"

[fortitudosalutis]

He goes still, barely breathing. But Carver tilts his head back, rocking Kali, and doesn't pull away from Bossie. It feels good, he thinks. Or it could. It will.

"No," Carver replies gently. "I'm not going anywhere, little brother."

Even if sometimes he wishes he could.

[nottheboss]

"Good," he breathes. "You had me scared for a second there."

What would life be like without Carver? There would be a hollow space he'd never be able to fill.

"How's your hand feel?"

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver closes his eyes and bumps his head against Bossie's. A quiet sort of affection. More hesitant than usual. But everything feels so goddamn fraught now. He finds himself pausing before touching people, stepping out of range before they can touch him. Especially in sparring -

Don't, he thinks. Just don't go there.

"Stings," he admits. "It'll pass."

He's bitten himself enough to know by now.

[nottheboss]

Bossie has noticed. Earlier was the first time Carver has flinched away from him specifically, but he's noticed a tension in Carver that never seems to get better.

"What was your dream?" he asks softly. Put words to it, rob it of its power.

[fortitudosalutis]

"You don't wanna know that," he replies softly. It's not Bossie's responsibility to carry that. But Carver keeps leaning against him, matching his breathing to Bossie's. He strokes Kali and feels her settle, moment by moment. "It's okay."

[nottheboss]

He shakes his head; it's not okay. "I don't want you to hold it all inside." he bumps his head ever so slightly against Carver's. "You can trust me."

[fortitudosalutis]

Carver shivers. It takes effort to keep his breathing steady, to remember the lessons that Shaw gave him and that he passed onto his students to emulate. This will keep you alive, she told him once. This will keep you going. He wonders if she knew how much that would matter then. How much they'd all need it.

Some things you can't fight against. You only survive them. That, he thinks, was the greatest lesson of the drowning tests.

"I feel him on top of me," Carver says finally, voice distant. "Holding me down. I can't move."

[nottheboss]

He's suspected that something happened to Carver recently. But no one knows what it was, and speculation is ruthlessly cut short; you don't gossip about Brandon Carver. Not after everything he's done for everyone.

"Who?" he asks softly.

[fortitudosalutis]

"Doesn't matter."

It really, truly doesn't. Sometimes not even in his dreams. It could be the devil or Mazur's taunting, iron-like hands. In the very worst ones, it's Pope. Carver's never told a soul about those. He swore he never would. Instead, he tucks them away into a little box in his mind and locks it down tight. If he forgets it, if he pushes the details aside, then one day they'll just fade.

He shivers again, holding Kali close.

"Nobody who matters."